TINKER, TAILOR, PATIENT, PILOT

Very few people get the opportunity to put their legs up, relax completely, get attended to 24 h a day and yet get paid for doing just that. Well, sometime back I had such a good stroke of luck. This wrong side of 40s’ ac driver was confined to a Military Hospital for institutional healing for about nine (?!) months. Unfortunately for the country, neither the doctors nor the nature supported me otherwise we could have made history while India was shining! Anyway, while the doctors got a guinea pig, this pig himself was at a loss as to how to utilise the opportunity. Considering the increased health consciousness in the armed forces, there were rarely any other pigs in the sty. The sisters had become matrons long ago and were no longer interested (to converse with a middle aged aircraft driver!). Rules discouraged visitors and rules did not permit leaving the hospital premises. Reading self-help/improvement or other books was at best a short-term solution because very soon you realise ‘you read one you read them all’. Rules however permitted one to acquire new skills like tinkering with watches, tailoring, typing and shorthand. When I suggested it to my dear wife, she had a strange look on her face. Clearly to her, a Watch engineer, a Master cutter or an Executive assistant ranked much lower in her ‘Kitty’ circle rankings as compared to the unfit, good not so old Pilot. In any case tell me seriously, do you expect a middle-aged ac driver to acquire such complicated and technical skills like repairing watches, negotiating smooth curves to give the perfect cut or to keep saying cheese while the boss was giving hell. If nothing else I certainly knew my shortcomings.

Thus over many idle days and many sleepless nights, watching the same girls displaying the same assets from various angles, repeatedly, on the same Fun TV channel, inspiration dawned at last. Why not give everybody some piece of my mind? And so was born this new millenniums most (un) published writer. It was not easy. Of course, social work is never easy. Social work you said?! Well, if writing full-length articles for the flight safety magazine isn’t social work then, then (India is shining!) I suggest you immediately seek an interview with the editor.

Anyway, having made the decision, years of training in fauj took over. One must start everything auspicious with AIM (not ‘OM’ silly!). The aim of this exercise is to utilise my time appropriately and also thereby provide a Win-Win situation for everybody. Win for me because I can keep myself busy, win for the hospital staff as I keep myself out of their way, win for the editor of the AF magazine as I already have explained, win for the youngsters as now they won’t be forced to write articles, win for the commanders because now they won’t have to get after the youngsters to write articles and finally win for the organisation because happy people make a happy organisation! (And you were wondering how social work?)

The very next task was to define the SCOPE of the exercise. The scope of the exercise is unlimited and can be redefined from time to time and article to article at the author’s sole discretion and of course editor’s pleasure. For example, this article introduces the out of job ac driver to his future readers, gets them hooked to waste their time (which in any case they love to do), provides invaluable tips to be an ideal guinea pig, provides idol to emulate and finally helps the organisation in all the ways as already mentioned without any additional expenditure to the state.

Having defined the scope let me start with the main body. I want to tell you all about being a good patient who remains positive, helps his doctors to help him back to good health at the earliest and enjoys himself while everyone fusses over him. So let us first start with defining a patient. A patient is a person who volunteers or is forced by the nature/ circumstances to volunteer to help few people make a good living while he patiently undergoes whatever they decide to do with his body and is expected to be grateful to them for having done that! In different circumstances/ different contexts they sometimes term it as wrongful confinement, prison, torture, abuse of human rights etc. Otherwise, how do you explain perfectly sober individuals being prevailed upon to strip, sometimes down to their birthday suit that too in mixed company full of strangers (remember Iraq and the Yanks). And I’ve not yet talked about polite smiles all around, silent nod off heads, jaws falling open and that unattractive clucking sound. Keeps you wondering subsequently for days on the (in) adequacy of your body parts!

Let us now type profile an ideal/exceptional patient. My experience tells me that a patient can be any of three varieties. The first is a patient by choice. He is there purely by choice and therefore doesn’t want to be helped. The second one may or may not be a patient by choice but has lost the will to fight and has left it all to god/destiny etc. The third and the one most likely to beat the disease, I term as the exceptional patient. He is a person who is successful at the career he likes, he is receptive, he is creative, remains employed one way or the other, sometimes may be hostile, has a strong ego, a high degree of self esteem, self love and a deep sense of own adequacy. He has the ability to retain control of his own life even in adversity. He is intelligent with a strong sense of reality, good sense of humour and an ability to see the funny part of life in difficult circumstances. He interprets problems and set backs as mere redirections and not failures. He is most likely to be a nonconformist with an unprejudiced mind and may read up books, surf the net to gain knowledge of his disease and give his doctors a run for their money. Well does this sound a bit like the Raymond’s ideal man? If it does, then just too bad because that is what it takes to beat a serious sickness. So all you fellow airwarriers who are in the hospital undergoing treatment or those who may require it in the future, here is your idol, here is your Sachin!

Having fuelled your aspirations let me now give you a few pearls of wisdom. Each one of them will prevent you from becoming a (guinea) pig. If you can ensure the following in your life then I guarantee that almost hundred percent of your battle for fitness is won: -

(a) Mind affects health directly. The extent to which you keep a positive frame of mind and love yourself determines your health. The choices you make about eating right, getting enough sleep, smoking, drinking, exercising regularly, wearing seat belts while driving etc all make a statement of how much you care about living and so determines almost 90 percent of your state of health. Remember-‘life is like a cafeteria, you can take your tray, select your food but pay at the other end’. You can indulge in anything you want but you will ultimately have to pay the price.

(b) Correct nutrition is important. Reduced intake of saturated fats, butter, cream, fried food, salt cured and charcoal broiled food, meat (especially the red variety), tea, coffee, hot spices, food with artificial additives/preservatives etc all improve your chances of prolonged good health. In addition increased consumption of fresh fruits, milk, vegetables, whole grain cereals etc ensure the same.

(c) Stress is a killer so learn to stay cool.

(d) Exercise, play and laughter stimulate the immune system, increases the oxygen level in the body, enables us to cope with stress and thus ensure good health.

(e) Did you know that regular safe sex ensures a high level of immunoglobin ‘A’? (I read it in one of those self-help books!) All that it means to you is ensure good health while having fun.

Even after having followed all the above suggestions regularly, if you are still destined to enjoy a break at the hospital then don’t worry here is Plan ‘B’. Remember these to ensure a speedy recovery: -

(a) Educate yourself completely on the cause and cure of your ailment. Internet is an excellent source of information.

(b) Cure requires a healing partnership between the patient and the doctor. Establish an active participation in the decision making process for the cure.

(c) Trust in the doctor and faith in the treatment is very important to achieve a cure. If you don’t have confidence in the diagnosis then you won’t have confidence in the cure.

(d) Beliefs shape the power of the treatment as well as its side effects.

(e) Knowing the truth but refusing to admit or accept prevents effective response by the body.

(f) Sharing one’s fears and problems lead to relief and healing.

(g) Meditation helps to focus the mind on healing and relieves stress.
Since you have been patient with me and persisted with this piece of my mind till now, I will not let you down. As promised, I will now tell you the points that can make a hospital stay more comfortable. Here are a few suggestions for all you fellow suffer (spelt and read as in Hindi language) ers: -

(a) Take clothes that are practical, comfortable and individual.

(b) Take room decorations of personal nature that inspire you.

(c) Try and ensure that your room/bed has an outside view. Even a view of the blue sky is helpful; just take it from me.

(d) Take a walkman (or a music system with an earphone) and your favorite music. It will help you relax.

(e) Share books, tapes as well as conversation with fellow patients.

(f) Keep a personal record of symptoms, treatment, tests and results.

(g) Plan to walk as much as possible. Be on your feet rather than your backside. Get moving as soon as possible if you undergo a surgery.

(h) For patients on prolonged stay, with your doctor’s consent, try and do some voluntary work at the hospital. Find your own areas and opportunities. You can spend time educating the men on topics like AIDS awareness, personal hygiene, first-aid or plain simple English language or you can spend time doing a little bit of gardening in the neglected patch in front of the ward. Find your own pot of happiness.

(i) Use a video cam/digital cam to record your progress. It helps even during the doctor’s review. After all, the camera always speaks the truth.

(j) Question your doctors on your diagnosis, treatment, prescription and tests etc.

(k) Speak up for your unique needs and desires.

(l) Request the surgeon, anesthesiologist to speak to you before, during and after the surgery, repeating positive messages.

(m) Lastly, arrange visits/calls from those who will nurture and love you.
At the Defence Services Staff College (mother of all fauji institutions) they teach you all about service writing. It is told that an average individual can concentrate at the most for 20 minutes. The alma mater’s dictat and also the sixth sense tells me that the time is drawing near when I no longer can assume immunity from being waylaid and beaten up by one of you, so I will quickly sum up. For all those who enjoyed wasting time with me, do not weep – it is the way of all things. Every thing always reaches its logical conclusion. The sun will set, flower will loose it’s bloom, one of you/your dear one’s will be a patient. Learn and teach how to be an ideal patient. And for those who are trying to discover my identity, remember- what’s in a name? Only time will teach what I failed in.

In the end, all it remains for me is to acknowledge the role of all those without whom you wouldn’t have got this opportunity. As is fashionable, I will first thank my parents for having brought me to this world, all my teachers (including life, god and all that) for having taught me what everybody knows, my wife for continuing to put up with me and not running away, to all those doctors responsible in my incarceration, to the Military Hospital for producing the right atmosphere, to the gardener who neglected the patch in front of the ward, to all those men who sat through my attempts at playing teacher-teacher in an English language class, to the doctor in the OT who permitted me the use of his computer and who so gamefully went through the article without making his comments public, to the staff in the OT who quietly minded being disturbed at off hours while doing what everybody does in summers in AC environment, to the friends who lent me all those self help books, to their authors who gave me the understanding of how to successfully indulge in piracy and be admired for it, to my bosses and colleagues who were so considerate as not to have disturbed me too often in the hospital, to the editor for publishing this and to you all for having encouraged me in writing the series of pirated material that is to follow! Finally a big thank you to all those whom I have failed to acknowledge. Well-‘Life is like that’.